'
... then I arrive home after spending two hours washing and drying my clothes on a self-service laundry and turn on the door key. Ben looks to me from his flat window and says «come along for a spiced fag!», I think first on saving my clothes on the drawer and go for an homemade coffee and reply to Ben «maybe in a while.»
So I go to the kitchen, put the coffeemaker over the electric oven and go upstairs to unpack and save the clothes. Then, I listen to smashing knocks on the door and go to see what's going on, I open the door and she enters and says «hold me love, hold me, let me kiss you...» I hold her and kiss her one time, hold her skinny torso and think «where were you for the last couple of days...» but I just kiss one more and go to the kitchen to finish the coffee, she comes along and says «you are angry with me, aren't you?», I say nothing and look to the coffee starting to boil, I switch off the oven, take a cup from the drawer and spill the coffee in it and she says «yes, you are angry with me but I am in deep trouble, just hold me, I'll tell you...».
I sip a bit of coffee and say «so, tell me, where have you been?»
«At home, I could not call in, I lost my cell phone...»
«You lost your cell...»
«Yes, in the toilet, it was swallowed by the toilet, I could not call you...»
«But you were not to just call me on the phone, you were to come in here two bloody days ago...»
«I have a problem, I'll tell, just hold me dear...»
«Let's go upstairs and you'll tell me all of it...»
«At least what I can tell love, let's just listen to our record!»
«Yeah, I told you, I have a new one»
So, we go upstairs, she sits on a bench and I go on to switch the Nass El Ghiwane CD for the newest Blackhouse record I bought over just because she told back in the day how beautiful their sound was and I had to buy it. The first one was a massive hit in our private parties, full of hash and beer, sometimes champagne and black beans with chicken, yeah loads of Blackhouse for our private nights, every night she had a new story and I always took the time to listen to her just like now I will listen to this new story of her because she is drunk and I can see it clearly and she is feeling alone and in need of shelter and I if I reach the very deep of the situation, I think and I realise she really needs me, she thinks on me when she's in deep trouble and looking for a secure place, so I will put the new Blackhouse and will listen to every bit of her story and will take the true parts out of her drunkenness «if only she thought of me she wouldn't drink so much, but let's just listen...»
«So tell me your story?»
«It's a maf situation, it's either kill or be killed, tomorrow is the deadline and will be over, I'll be in forever. I am being monitored»
«So what are you doing here?»
«I am giving you the explanation, are you still upset?, I will have to leave tonight at eight o'clock, I needed to talk to you, to hold you, I have to kill a person tomorrow...»
«How's that? That's way too far, what the fuck are you drinking, Rasa?»
«It's the truth babe, I am being monitored, they have put five g's on my account, there's no way out, I can not go back where I was before...»
«So, you're telling me you've accepted money from a guy to kill a person, and now you are telling me exactly what?»
«My blood is venom, I will not die, I will kill, I'm telling you, the guys are watching me, if I don't kill they kill me, this guy...»
«Who the fuck is he?»
«You wouldn't want to know, it's the maf, I told you already, it was the guy I trusted more and he is in the maf...»
«I thought I was the guy you trusted more...»
«The guy put money on my wallet and said tomorrow you'll fly and kill a person...»
«Yeah, I can see, you said yes for the money and the drinks, so now just deal with it, I will visit you at Santa Cruz do Bispo...»
«Hôw's that? I'll be dead tomorrow, they will catch me, I have to kill, actually I am a killer you know, do you still love me dear?»
«No, I can not love a killer, I am just waiting for eight o'clock, the moment you'll leave, I want to have nothing with your killings, at least you'll have money to fly home...»
«Wait a second, turn off this record, put our record, I don't like this, let's listen to 'Five minutes after I die', please?»
«Oh, this is great also, I bought it for us...»
«Just put five minutes, it's an order!»
«Ok ok your voice is my command.» (when I am on the mood I'll tell you Rasa)
So I put the old Blackhouse and she starts to calm down, asks for a cigarette and doesn't remember if she has taken her pouch, I go downstairs and grab it, she looks for her cigarettes and asks me for lights, I give her fire, she breeds, and asks me to unzip her cowboots.»
«I was with Fa, she's from the maf too, the guy works for her, I was there until now and I am drunk and I came because I wanted to tell you, do you understand?»
«You need sleep, you'll not go to work tonight.»
«But I have to kill someone...»
«Kiss me instead!»
«Call me a cab!»
«No deal Rasa, I am just waiting your leaving.»
And she falls over the bed in deep sleep like if she didn't sleep all the weekend. I switch Blackhouse for a Gipsy air mail music CD, and leave her sleeping for the afternoon, and go out for a walk to Ben's flat, well just to relax and have a spiced fag.
«I tell you Mur, I saw her, she was knocking Ernest's door, I told her Mur's door was the next one...»
«Oh brother, she's totally fucked up, she told me such a story, she's sleeping now...»
«What story did she told?»
«I can't tell, she's like Giuliani, whether he's for the methadone, she's for the drink, I'll tell you, I'm feeling like a father instead of a lover, she's in bad shape, her life is in a mess.»
«Yeah, I sensed that the other day she came here, but I tell you, if she comes to sleep in your house you should be grateful because if she comes to sleep with you it is because she feels secure with you... Is she going to work tonight?»
«That's what I am telling I don't know, she's sleeping, she once told me her boss, Fa, a woman you know, wants to take her out to Madeira, go with her everywhere sleep included you see, but she once told me also that Fa before, she was actually a man that has done a surgical operation for dick removal, so you see, she's sleeping now, I came here now but I have to go back because she may awaken and freak out because I'm not there...»
«Ok but just roll a fag to calm down brother, what's her story I sensed before?»
«Her head is on a mess, she's married, her husband is on a long vacation with a dragqueen, they are there for the whole year...»
«You mean, her husband is with a guy, oh I get it, I had a girlfriend who once told me about a friend who was left out for a man, she was so... she felt so abandoned... she even had thoughts on not being a woman at all, she even thought she was a lesbian, oh I understand Rasa's head brother and I totally support you but hey why don't you give her a way out of the situation, why she just don't come to live here with you?»
«No, I can't, I cannot afford, and she lives by the night and I live by the day, she's nice as a friend but I wouldn't live with her, I would have to support her booze, her smokes, her food, her music, it would not be us, it would be only her eating my self, that's the way she is, she is a child in need of a father to whip his ass and crave for annihilation of the other, my life is collapse, but I will not collapse anymore, I like her as a friend, she's a good laugh, she's tender, but her life is not for me, I get few for so much given, no, I will not be cheated again...»
«Yeah brother Mur, I totally understand you, When you told me before you were hospitalised for craziness... I'll tell you, you look no fool to me!»
«I'v been hospitalised four fucking times, nobody fools me anymore, yeah this fag is great your turn now...»
«Do another, roll on!»
«No, I don't have time for another, let's just finish this, I have to go and check her sleep.»
«Ok brother, see you later.»
'
John Moore,
o irmão imaginário de Claudio Mur
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